Highs and Lows

Ok ~ so I got a form rejection on my novella. I was crushed. I was at my day job when I checked email and saw it there. I wanted to cry but just knowing that I work in an open, studio environment made me pause and keep my shit together. I don't even think I have words to describe what a blow it was for me though I'm sure that everyone who has ever received the form rejection knows exactly what I mean.

I felt a combination kick to the stomach and slap to the ego. I'm better now. Mostly. I'm determined to forge ahead. I have a new story that I love but I have been so crazed that I have barely spent any time on it.

This is my life: day job that I have to commute an hour and a half every day to get to. A freelance writing job that is heating up. I usually get home around 7pm and work on my freelance until 10pm. I also started work as an Editorial Assistant!!!! I love that part of my day so I don't want to give that up. It's eating time but I love it.

I am also trying to finish my second MS. And spent time with my Sig Other and my dog.

I'm considering giving up the freelance stuff. It's pretty soulless, corporate marketing writing. I took it more to maintain a relationship with my old contacts than for the money. But it's kicking my butt now.

I really have to start looking more long-term when I consider how I spend my time now. Which of these activities is going to get me to my goal of working as a writer?? Unfortunately, it's not the day job but that's how I pay for my Internet connection. LOLs all around!

Started My New Day Job...

...and I hate it. It's ok actually but the commute is killer. I'm also so sad because I have to leave my poor little doggie for 12 hour stretches. I know that many people do this but for some reason, I am having serious separation issues over it. I just think that I am going to have to find something closer to home so I can come back and check on him mid-day.

I must confess that I have a dog walker who comes twice a day so it's not like he's completely shut-in. But still, I feel major stress over this. I don't have kids and can't begin to imagine how I'd feel to have to leave them every morning. Maybe I'd like it; maybe they'd like it. But I don't think so. I think I'd be verging on suicidal. I'm not making any judgments about what anyone has to do to make ends meet in this crazy world. I grew up the product of a full-time working mother. She worked because she couldn't afford to not work. I totally understand. But I know it made her sad and I know she wishes things had been different. Maybe that's colored how I see myself. I just know I want to cry.

Ok ~ it's 9:40 pm and I have to sit down and write. I did some writing this morning but only like 50 words. I did get to re-think a key scene so I have a direction... at least. But I need words...

Still writing...

... and struggling through. I'm not getting that same, mad rush of words that I had a few weeks ago. This time, it's like pulling teeth. Ugh.

And, I start my Day Job tomorrow. I'm so unhappy with having to go back to 9-5 office work. But it's my fault. I've been home for a year and didn't light a fire under my butt until recently to really get any writing submitted for publication. So, I feel like I'm going back to "working for the man" with no end in sight. I'm feeling really sorry for myself. I need the income and the economy is so bad right now that I shouldn't complain. I am fortunate to have found this job and to be able to bring in a steady paycheck to keep a roof over our heads here.

I will have to be way more disciplined when I sit down to write so I may not blog as much. Well, what I should say is that I may not read other blogs as much. That's the real time suck for me after all.

Stumped and Stuff

My new WIP has me handcuffed. Sounds like fun? Not so much. I ad a kernel of a good idea and loved my first 1000 words then my plot died. It just decided to stop breathing despite my best efforts.

So, I've been working on resuscitation techniques for the last few days and I think I have a pulse. It's fragile still and I'm not sure who the hell to even submit this one to. With my first completed novella, I knew right away who I wanted to send it to. (And, of course I'm having major self doubt around now.) But this one is really different for me.

We'll see. It's my new child and I love her.

On the job front, I officially start my new Day Job on Monday. I am so sad that I won't be working from home anymore. I also picked up a freelance writing gig so I'm concerned about my WIP. The freelance stuff should be easy. I'm used to writing for this particular industry and I really could use the extra money.

My life is going to get really complicated.

How Can I Thank You?

Putting together a well-written thank you note is a tall order to fill. I mean, those two little words already accomplish so much: thank you.

What remains is the blank inside of a 5x7 note card, or rather, a whole lot of space for me to ramble and go off message. I'm one of those foolish sorts who likes to say only what is necessary and only what I really feel. So, I agonize over every little word.

Here's the scenario: I have to write five personalized thank you notes as a follow up to a marathon two and half hour interview I had yesterday. I've written three and I'm exhausted. I don't want to say the same thing over and over. What if they compare what I've written? I don't want to write something generic. These peeps are really picky and it's for a writing position so I feel like I've got to put forth the effort to win the job. It's a great job, btw. Well, I mean, as far as day jobs go.

I'm wiped. This may be all the writing I get to do today. Yikes!

Odds and Ends and Thoughts

I cracked open my wallet and bought a new book instead of sticking to my TBR pile. Well, I bought the book a couple of months ago before I was really committed to tearing through my TBR. I bought the book because it was a new novel by one of my favorite romance authors.

I discovered this authors books when I was about 13 years old in a box of books my mother's best friend gave to her. The cover was purple and embossed and shiny with a dashing rogue and a striking heroine on the cover. The title was in gold, scipty, serify font ~ like ice cream for a teenage mind. I'll never forget this book. I've since replaced that copy with a newer version so I could have it for posterity.

Well... so I'm reading the book... and I'm not loving it. Truth be told, this is the second time that I feel like I've been left at the altar by this author's most recent work. I'm so sad. Maybe I've grown up and yesterday's flavor of romance no longer appeals or maybe something has changed. I don't know. I was just really sad. The hero isn't as dark and dangerous and I don't feel connected to the internal struggles of the heroine.

I am not going to give the author's name because I will always love her for her early work but I'm crying on the inside. I know that author's can't/don't want to write the same thing over and over. I totally get that. Actually, I want to get to that point where I'm screwing with reader expectations. I really want to love the work every time though.

In other news, I went for a job interview today. Keep your fingers crossed. I think I could be really happy with the position in terms of the work that I would get to do, the level of responsibility and... I would get to spend a lot of time writing. That's always a plus. I guess it's a double-edged sword because writing insurance or healthcare or mortgage copy can really drain your soul. But, I would be writing for a living.

Be careful what you wish for!

Life Lessons from a Stray Cat

I was just settling myself in for a writing session when the phone rang... my old boss. They may be able to hire me back!!!! I need to chill because it's not 100% approved and I should know next week but I'm so elated.

This is when yoga or tai chi would really come in handy. Too bad I dropped those classes at the beginning stages!

Now my concentration is shot. I just want to eat cake and watch TV.

I need to chill out like the stray cat who's stealing a nap on my deck. Now there's a dude who knows a thing or two about taking it easy and our lives are eerily similar. We're both jobless. Our next meals are in question... but do you see it worrying him?

Little Victories

I guess I should start by saying that I write for a living - sorta. My occupation is in marketing & communications. I used to really like what I did from nine to five. It was creative enough and paid the bills. But it's not ambitious enough for me anymore. Only about a quarter of my brain is ever really engaged at one time. And, frankly, if more of me were engaged in what was happening around me, I'd probably want to slit my throat with a dull instrument and, while I was bleeding out, I'd start on my wrists.

I always wanted to work for Corporate America... and now I do.

But today I experienced a minor victory, one that I am trying to keep to myself lest some Corporate Jockey ride by and take a squat on it. I submitted copy that was accepted with very minor revision. Usually, I experience someone or groups of someone rewriting my copy or asking me to rewrite the copy because a) they didn't provide all the project details up front, b) they want to change the direction of the copy because they've changed their minds or remembered something that wasn't communicated to me c) they hate their job and secretly want to be a writer (this is one of my faves) or d) they're just schizo!

So ~ minor vicotry on Project #1. Rewriting Pojects 2,3 and 4.

I also managed to write on my WIP while I as on business travel. I didn't log a ton of words but I was happy with the writing and pleased that I used my scant free time wisely. Oh, and I wisely used some not-so-free time as well. One of my sessions was super dull so I wrote 1,200 words long-hand and transcribed them later in my shared hotel room.

Traveling Sales(wo)man

I have to go out of town on a business trip for my DJ today. I hate leaving my family and my home. And I hate that it's taking me away from my familiar writing setup. I am, however, taking my personal laptop (in addition to the PC clunker that is standard-sissued by the Company).

This trip is different in that I have to share a room with a co-worker. Gross. I mean me, in all likelihood. But, as a writer, I need a certain amount of "me" time that sharing a room just doesn't allow. So I'm dreading this trip.

But I will get some writing done even if only to spare myself from the forced conversation of sharing a room.

Ridiculous Job

I don't know how I reached this low point with my job but I, apparently unlike Britney Spears, believe that I have hit my low point. I spent my entire day basically making telemarketing calls. WTF?!?!

I desperately need a new day job. But perhaps the utter ridiculousness of my situation will be enough of a kick in the pants that I actually do something with my sad life. Like finish my book.

I still need to finish the last few, ok... five, chapters. Depression city. Well, The Office is on tonight. At least I have that...

Simple Things

As everyone knows, I was laid-off from my day job. I had a love/hate relationship with it but at the end of the day, I was one of those people who was fortunate enough to at least like what I did to make ends meet. I met up with one of my friends from the old job for lunch today. Turns out that she's been quote a busy bee making this wonderful quilt for me:



I also quilt, not quite as often or as prodigiously as I'd like to, so I know how much work went into this quilt. It's truly a labor of love and I am so happy that it was made for me.

We had lunch and tea, things that our normal busy lives hadn't really afforded us time to enjoy. Now, we got to get together and just enjoy the simple things: a good BLT at a little, local sandwich shop, tea and pastries and catching up with each other.

Yeah, I know. I am "working from home." And I am working but I get to be a little more free with my schedule now. I turned in my assignment that was due today - a short newsletter article. I am embarrassed to say that I sweated each word. Sad but true. My writing mojo is still on summer break.

But friendships are not.

A New DJ. A New Sense of Purpose.

I got a new DJ today (Day Job). I can't explain the relief and sense of belonging and purpose that I feel. I know that I ranted against my old DJ but I'm happy to have one again. I need the income...gotta keep the power bill paid so that I can blog and work on my novel.

And now I can celebrate. I've been wanting a new stereo and solar panels...even a composter. Should I splurge?!? I just feel so darn good.

AND... I have 55,000 words in my first ever manuscript. I am so close to being done yet it still feels far. Never having been at this point before, I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I just have to finish the darn thing. Sometimes I love what I am doing but mostly, I hate it! It's been hard work. No one ever warned me of that. Just kidding.

I knew it was going to be a hard, long and lonely road but it's never felt so good!

Not so bad

Well, the heart palptitions have finally subsided and I don't feel like puking at every turn. The knots in my stomach have also loosened a bit. Maybe, hey just maybe I'm enjoying this whole unemployment thing. Tomorrow I am going to clean my office, send out some resumes and write!

I simply enjoyed my Sunday like I would any other Sunday. I started a new Vampire Romance series -- Kiss of Midnight by Lara Adrian. I loved it so much that I finished and ran right out to buy book 2 in the series.There were flavors of Lynn Viehl and JR Ward but still different enough to be a treat.

I needed this kind of mental break from all the strain of losing my job, of waiting to see if I get another job offer, of sending resumes. Since my health insrance coverage was rudely ended effective two days ago, I really need to learn to chill for a bit. I thought the stress of this whole thing was going to send my to the hospital. No joke. I know how pitiful that sounds. It's just a job after all, right? Right, she asks, hysteria rising.

And I was one of those people who swore that I didn't define myself by my DJ ... and I don't, I didn't. But there is just something so awful about being laid off. It's like I was a sucker, asleep at the wheel, merrily coming into work and giving it my all - believing in my company leadership, believing we would weather the storm by tightening our belts and buckling down to work harder with less.

Sucker!

Well, at least I had my Sunday and stopped hearing that little voice in my head calling me a fool for hanging on as the ship went down. At least I found a great new read! Go out and buy it!

Collateral Damage

Yes, that's me ... and my job. I was let go from my DJ. I know I complained here sometimes but I couldn't afford to lose it. My company folded because of the downturn in the housing market and I'm a casualty of that downturn. I've been an emotional wreck and have not written in about 3 weeks. Now more than ever, I need to gather the people and things around me that will lift me back up.