Yes We Are

One topic that hasn't been talked to death in the election aftermath is our new first lady. Particularly, that this lovely, intelligent, educated woman is the new face of beauty, grace and welcome to the world. And she's black.

I was so touched to see Michelle and the two young girls on stage with the new President-elect. I was overcome by the fact that we now have this new image of womanhood and motherhood to look up to as a role model where previously, all such role models in the upper echelons of power have been white.

Now black women young and old can look at the first couple and see themselves in this woman. They can see themselves achieving educational and career goals. After all, Michelle is herself a lawyer. They can see themselves as proud mothers and wives and they can see themselves as beautiful and glamorous!

Yes We Are!

We women of color have had so very few images like this to cherish. I look forward to seeing this family grow. I look forward to seeing what a positive impact this new role model will have for young girls and women across the country.

Highs and Lows

Ok ~ so I got a form rejection on my novella. I was crushed. I was at my day job when I checked email and saw it there. I wanted to cry but just knowing that I work in an open, studio environment made me pause and keep my shit together. I don't even think I have words to describe what a blow it was for me though I'm sure that everyone who has ever received the form rejection knows exactly what I mean.

I felt a combination kick to the stomach and slap to the ego. I'm better now. Mostly. I'm determined to forge ahead. I have a new story that I love but I have been so crazed that I have barely spent any time on it.

This is my life: day job that I have to commute an hour and a half every day to get to. A freelance writing job that is heating up. I usually get home around 7pm and work on my freelance until 10pm. I also started work as an Editorial Assistant!!!! I love that part of my day so I don't want to give that up. It's eating time but I love it.

I am also trying to finish my second MS. And spent time with my Sig Other and my dog.

I'm considering giving up the freelance stuff. It's pretty soulless, corporate marketing writing. I took it more to maintain a relationship with my old contacts than for the money. But it's kicking my butt now.

I really have to start looking more long-term when I consider how I spend my time now. Which of these activities is going to get me to my goal of working as a writer?? Unfortunately, it's not the day job but that's how I pay for my Internet connection. LOLs all around!

First Dinner, Then Dessert

I was never any good at abiding by this rule set by most parents. In fact, as soon as I became an adult (which is still debatable), I broke this one all the time. Unfortunately, there is a reason that dinner comes before dessert or that work comes before play... to instill discipline, establish routine. I'm so bad at that still. I want to web surf before writing. I want to eat, check what's on TV. I even go so far as saying that I need to have all the dishes clean before I can get started!

I'm not a neat freak by any stretch.

I'm a born procrastinator and it's become so obvious now that I have long periods of uninterrupted time. I have to fight myself to get things done, to get motivated.

Today's big distractions (in no particular order, of course) have been: returning phone/email for my job search, blog reading/writing, dog walking/vet/dog park, daydreaming up new stories I'd like to write, laundry, eating/thinking about eating.

So ~ I have decided to keep to a more rigorous schedule over the next few days to see if that helps. I am going to try to set time allowances for each of my activities so I can still do everything... just within limits.

I have a big chunk of edits done but I just keep fiddling with it. I'm driving myself slightly insane with this project. I need to read some of the wonderful author blogs on how to edit efficiently... but I have to fit that into my new schedule!

Life Lessons from a Stray Cat

I was just settling myself in for a writing session when the phone rang... my old boss. They may be able to hire me back!!!! I need to chill because it's not 100% approved and I should know next week but I'm so elated.

This is when yoga or tai chi would really come in handy. Too bad I dropped those classes at the beginning stages!

Now my concentration is shot. I just want to eat cake and watch TV.

I need to chill out like the stray cat who's stealing a nap on my deck. Now there's a dude who knows a thing or two about taking it easy and our lives are eerily similar. We're both jobless. Our next meals are in question... but do you see it worrying him?

My Crazy Summer

A LOT has happened this summer. Mostly of the not-so-good variety of happenings. The kind of stuff you don't want to blog about as it's going on but can list out objectively, without the pain of being so close up on it anymore.

Lost My Day Job for the second time this year. I should see this as a freeing experience but I'm so preoccupied with replacing that income stream that it's been hard to enjoy anything about this time off. I need to take advantage of all this time for my writing. I want to have something concrete to show for this time off. But I feel catatonic, listless.

Dad Has a Brain Tumor and is majorly depressed. He had a major seizure and when he was hospitalized, the doctors discovered the tumor. The question now is whether he should have surgery or follow a wait-and-see approach. Wait to see if it turns aggressive. Wait to see if it turns malignant. It's been a grueling ordeal for him and the family.

Health Issues of My Own. I have had my own health scare and hospitalization this summer. And coupled with the job loss, I soon won't have health insurance. I'm not so much worried about the state of my health moving forward. My doctor was fantastic. I'm just going through some residual head trauma.

And there are the edits to my WIP. I am sooo hating my work right now. I just want to throw it out and start on something new.

Teenage Angst Continued...

My life is under a cloud. Have you ever had to live with a long-term house guest? Well, that's what we've been going through since the day before Easter. I think at first, we thought it was going to be a great adventure, maybe even our own sitcom plopped right down in the middle of our mundane, suburban lives.

But well, it's more like two urban, childless yuppies have an insto-presto teenager moping about playing video games and constantly complaining and whining about his life.

So, the hardworking, young urban hipster couple are now parents to one recalcitrant teenager and all the attending angst and hormones.Punchline though ~ he's nearly 30!

Ok ~ comedy is not my thing and the novel is more dark than comedic.

Eating and writing

I've been a bad writer. Yes, I guess in that way too. But really remiss in keeping up with my goals. My sister in law said something that perked me up. It had nothing to do with my writing but rather it was about eating habits. She said that when I had a bad day of hogging down cupcakes and chips, washing it all day with full-cal soda, I seemed able to just turn the page on it and go back to my healthy ways the very next day.

I want to apply that to my writing self.

I need to get back to my healthy writing. Deep breaths. Letting go of the guilt now...

Ridiculous Job

I don't know how I reached this low point with my job but I, apparently unlike Britney Spears, believe that I have hit my low point. I spent my entire day basically making telemarketing calls. WTF?!?!

I desperately need a new day job. But perhaps the utter ridiculousness of my situation will be enough of a kick in the pants that I actually do something with my sad life. Like finish my book.

I still need to finish the last few, ok... five, chapters. Depression city. Well, The Office is on tonight. At least I have that...

A New DJ. A New Sense of Purpose.

I got a new DJ today (Day Job). I can't explain the relief and sense of belonging and purpose that I feel. I know that I ranted against my old DJ but I'm happy to have one again. I need the income...gotta keep the power bill paid so that I can blog and work on my novel.

And now I can celebrate. I've been wanting a new stereo and solar panels...even a composter. Should I splurge?!? I just feel so darn good.

AND... I have 55,000 words in my first ever manuscript. I am so close to being done yet it still feels far. Never having been at this point before, I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I just have to finish the darn thing. Sometimes I love what I am doing but mostly, I hate it! It's been hard work. No one ever warned me of that. Just kidding.

I knew it was going to be a hard, long and lonely road but it's never felt so good!

Who Does Depression Hurt?

The Weimaraner, of course. Just kidding but really, the funk is starting to set in over not having a job and over the ex-job drama. Yesterday, all the ex-coworkers were feverishly emailing and calling with wild rumor that the company was rescinding already deposited paycheck funds from accounts. This turned out to be false. But it brought up all the old drama and panic that I thought I'd gotten over.

I just don't know if I want to even hear from any of them anymore. Meow! I know that's bitchy but I can't stand checking my email for word from from my former boss with job leads. Maybe it would be best if I just looked for a whole new separate opportunity all on my own.

And got down to writing again...

Oh yeah, that!

I have been reading quite a bit and I even went to the bookstore and spent money I shouldn't have on more books. I need to get a grip. I guess there's always temping. That way I can get some money coming in here quickly and not have to worry about bills.

Not Again

So I didn't write again. Yikes ... this is why it's so hard to get a book published. I just fgured it out! It's the writing that makes the publishing thing go so badly. Big fat whatever! I'm on the road, just taking in a little scenery right now.

I did clean my office and I did some job hunting. Actually, I got job-hunted from posting my resume on Monster. That's pretty cool. I like how that feels. Hunt me, dammit!

And I am back to blogging but it's that whole if the tree fell in the forest and no one was there to hear it thingy...

I crack myself up. Good thing too because there's no one else to make laugh.

Not so bad

Well, the heart palptitions have finally subsided and I don't feel like puking at every turn. The knots in my stomach have also loosened a bit. Maybe, hey just maybe I'm enjoying this whole unemployment thing. Tomorrow I am going to clean my office, send out some resumes and write!

I simply enjoyed my Sunday like I would any other Sunday. I started a new Vampire Romance series -- Kiss of Midnight by Lara Adrian. I loved it so much that I finished and ran right out to buy book 2 in the series.There were flavors of Lynn Viehl and JR Ward but still different enough to be a treat.

I needed this kind of mental break from all the strain of losing my job, of waiting to see if I get another job offer, of sending resumes. Since my health insrance coverage was rudely ended effective two days ago, I really need to learn to chill for a bit. I thought the stress of this whole thing was going to send my to the hospital. No joke. I know how pitiful that sounds. It's just a job after all, right? Right, she asks, hysteria rising.

And I was one of those people who swore that I didn't define myself by my DJ ... and I don't, I didn't. But there is just something so awful about being laid off. It's like I was a sucker, asleep at the wheel, merrily coming into work and giving it my all - believing in my company leadership, believing we would weather the storm by tightening our belts and buckling down to work harder with less.

Sucker!

Well, at least I had my Sunday and stopped hearing that little voice in my head calling me a fool for hanging on as the ship went down. At least I found a great new read! Go out and buy it!

Collateral Damage

Yes, that's me ... and my job. I was let go from my DJ. I know I complained here sometimes but I couldn't afford to lose it. My company folded because of the downturn in the housing market and I'm a casualty of that downturn. I've been an emotional wreck and have not written in about 3 weeks. Now more than ever, I need to gather the people and things around me that will lift me back up.

Destination: Procrastination

I need to get a grip. I'm feeling seriously unmotivated right now. I have my WIP open right now. I psyched myself up earlier in the week and got some pages done but whew! What do I use now as motivation?!?! I got up at 5:30 this morning to write but didn't get much done so I'm on the hot seat now.

I have my workspace all hooked up the way I like it. The blogs have been checked and read and posted to. Dinner. Check. Dog walked. Mail opened. Called mom. I'm screwed. I gotta start writing.

J.U.N.G.L.E.

When I was 4 or 5 years old, my mother made me sit at the kitchen table while she cooked dinner. I had to practice writing my name, address, the alphabet. And like any kid, I must have eaten up these moments, feeling as if I had her solely to myself. As an adult though, I know that it was probably a way to tether me to a seat and keep me in her sight. Not that I was a bad kid. I guess that she was a multi-tasker before it was truly popular.

But I digress. This is about writing after all...

I remember the first word that I ever spelled. While sitting performing one of these writing tasks. I put togehter a string of letters in an attmpt to spell something, anything! It read something like this:

AHTHIJGUOPLWHUNAKLEOTJKEOJUNGLEQRPASZMLKFREQW

And I asked my mom to "read" is and tell me if I spelled any words and she picked out jungle. I remember my elation to this day. I was so proud of myself and I read it over and over. And so I think that maybe, somehow, if I keep stringing paragraphs into chapters, I will have a book. It's not quite that simple but the concept of bilding something up until you hit upon something valuable, feels right.

Deadlines and Daydreaming

I have a deadline that I let get way too close without a care in the world. Now, I'm just a few days off of d-day and I've no pages to show for it. The deadline is imposed by a group of people who are all working to achieve personal goals. My goal was to write a certain number of pages. I'm woefully behind. Why? No good excuses but I will try to push through. I seem to always struggle with putting myself in a corner in some way.

"No one puts Baby in a corner."

Oh - that's not my life...

Let's see, I've had strep. That sucked a lot of energy. I've caught up on all my TV shows. Entourage this season was awesome. Lost was ok. The Office was one of the bets things on tv. Oh, and I daydream a lot.

I've totally changed my diet. I'm going vegetarian and organic. Loving that. That's giving me a lot more energy but my face is breaking out from my organic sunscreen. I'm a mess.

Deadline looms. I'm off...

Way Too Much Time

I have spent way too much time on my most recent obsession -- researching organic products. While this does qualify as a sub-genre of my reading passion and is, in a roundabout way, a natural branch off the writing tree, it in no way helps my progress on the current WIP.

But, I digress... going green is fun and rewarding. I swear I feel better. Who needs exercise when you can just restrict chemicals entering your body? That's given me plenty of energy lately.

Oh and today is my day off from the DJ though DJ loves to intrude. Got a stressful call. Things are a'changing and I'm a typical taurus, very change averse -- unless it's my idea of course.

And I have to watch the entire first season of Buffy... under penalty of a severe tongue lashing or mild beratement at the least.

Red Alert

Ok ~ so I have to deal with stress. Don't we all? I am just feeling major pressure to meet my own personally set page count goals for the month while slogging through my DJ (day job). I was supposed to be up at 5 again but didn't make it up until about 6 -- way too close to the time I have to start getting ready for the DJ.

Stress makes me feel like my body is in a constant state of red alert. It's like having a low grade fever... but all the time. I was tempted to say that today was going to be a bad day but I can't slip into negativity or I'll be there for the next week.

Here's my list o' positives:

1. I have been getting up early and writing. (I will not touch on the lack of real progress but whatevs...)
2. I am blogging (though self-indulging and a distraction from writing)
3. I am all caught up on Tivo (I did miss Lost last night and will have to dodge all discussions therein.)
4. Eating healthy. Seriously, this is the only thing keeping me alive.

List o' improvements:

1. Need to follow my outline and trust in it
2. Need to make real progress
3. Need a day off from the DJ.
4. Day off is tomorrow!

Day 10

It's day 10 of no writing...even though I want to quit my day job... well, I know I can quit my day job and be woefully unemployed but I'm looking for step up, a life-affirming career change. Not destitution, despair and dpression. Heading there now.